SOS Brigade Employee Relations
by Dogbreathsan
Summary: Mikeru has had enough. Rated T STRONG language, violence, implied sex.


A/N: I don't do crack. Honest. Although it may be hard to tell after reading this.

MATURE Language, violence, implied sex.

Disclaimer: I don't own the Haruhi Suzumiya universe; that honor goes to **Nagaru Tanigawa **and **Noizi Ito**. They, and their publisher, Kadokawa Media, get the royalties. I get zip, nada, zilch. But it's a fun place to visit.

SOS Brigade Employee Relations

BAAM!

Mikeru slammed her tea tray flat on the table.

"You fucking self-centered fucking selfish Fucking Bitch FUCKING CUNT FUCKING TWAT!" the moe-blob screamed at her divine Brigade Leader.

Haruhi's mouth dropped open, as, well, as did that of everybody else in the room, save one.

"Redundant" Yuki intoned, turning the page of her book, "but accurate. Except for the 'fucking' part; I do believe Miss Suzumiya is still a virgin."

Koizumi just groaned and clutched his head in his hands, lowering it to the table.

"Mik…" Kyon started.

Mikeru rounded on him. "Don't you even start, you fucking enabling butt-monkey!"

Kyon sat back in his chair, turning to the gently groaning esper. "We _did_ get all the alcohol out of the clubroom, didn't we?" he said sotto voce. Koizumi groaned slightly louder.

"Fucking megas awesome…" Tsuraya started but Mikeru fixed her with a glare that caused the green-tressed heiress to emit a mild "eep!" to silence, cowering below the edge of the table.

Haruhi looked at her Chief Mascot, "Mikeru… is something bothering you?"

Koizumi groaned.

"Why ever would you ask me that, BrigadeLeaderfuckingbitchtwatcunt, dear?" Mikeru replied, a sneer curling her lip. "For over a year you've used and abused me, using me for sexual battery and blackmail, _doing_ sexual battery and blackmail to me, putting me into these damned ridiculous costumes, causing untold worry and stress and embarrassment and –classified information – OH! And then – classified information – when you caused – fuck classified information - !" With this last Mikeru's right hand came up next to her cheek, the fingers wiggling rhythmically, muttering "I don't care! I don't fucking give a damn! Fuck your – classified information - … I don't fucking care, I said. Emergency override Alpha-three-beta-two-episilon-seven… Recall… recall… get me the fuck outta here RECALL!" and with that last, with a small _bamf_! of displaced air Mikeru disappeared.

Koizumi let out a small scream/moan/groan. Blood started to drip from his left ear.

Haruhi gazed slack-jawed at the space Mikeru had just vacated, her neck and face becoming an ever deepening red, an ominous twitch to her left eyebrow.

Tsuruya sidled over to Kyon's side, most of her body still below the edge of the table. She turned towards the putatively normal person. "We're all going to die now, aren't we?" she whimpered.

Kyon was too shocked to even facepalm. "Yes" he said, "yes, we probably are."

The green-tressed heiress grabbed onto the normal boy. "I don't want to die a virgins. Do you?" she asked.

The boy took a heartbeat or two to look at the girl. "No" he said, "no, I do not." And with that he grabbed the girl in a desperate liplock and rolled under the table. Frantic rustling of clothes was soon heard.

Koizumi whimpered, more blood coming from his ear. Nagato turned the page of her book.

Haruhi worked her mouth much like a goldfish but nothing more came out. Then, with another _bamf!_ of displaced are Mikeru was back. But a different Mikeru. Gone was the maid outfit. Now she wore a skin-tight silver lamé outfit showing every curve – and admittedly Mikeru had many curves to show. There were puffed fabric spaulders and cuffs, and as Kyon and Tsuruya could tell from their vantage, puffed fabric anklets tucked into shiny silver half boots – not that they were paying much attention. On her head was a silver helmet with a clear visor extending as far as her nose. In a total lack of taste, the helmet had a red horsehair brush transverse across the crown. Incongruously present was a well-worn leather belt and holster; the holster was monogrammed **KK** in faded gold lettering. In the holster the well-worn-but-lovingly-cared-for butt of some sort of pistol could be seen. Mikeru reached down with her right hand and drew the weapon. The imprint "_Delameter_" could be seen along the barrel. The mouth of the weapon, for only weapon it could be, was pitted and scarred from frequent use. She then aimed the weapon at Haruhi's center of mass.

Mikeru's re-appearance caused several things to happen:

Haruhi's mouth dropped even further.

The rustling of clothes diminished but now wet-sounding noises and moans could be heard from under the table.

Koizumi squealed a high-pitched keening squeal that slowly died out.

Nagato closed her book and languidly blinked her eyes.

"Haruhi, I can't stand it any more! You're a tyrant and you must be destroyed!" Mikeru yelled. Surprisingly for the moe-blob the weapon in her didn't falter a bit in its aim for Haruhi's midsection.

_bamf!_

Another Mikeru – _big_ Mikeru – came into existence close to Mikeru. Like Mikeru, _big_ Mikeru was dressed in lamé, only this time it was gold lamé and the helmet was gold instead of silver. Otherwise the essentials were the same; belt, holster, weapon, curves. _Big _Mikeru pointed her weapon at Mikeru but also held her left hand out to her younger self imploringly. "Mikeru" _big_ Mikeru said, "Don't… we can discuss this, please. The timeplane is quaking but nothing irreversible has occurred." Unfortunately for Kyon his head was below the table and otherwise occupied; he would have enjoyed seeing big Mikeru dressed as she was. But he was Otherwise. Occupied. Koizumi wasn't in a state to care much either, but then again the question was still open if he _would_ care…

"NO!" Mikeru yelled the Big NO. "She is evil incarnate! She must be destroyed or all that is pure, good and holy in the universe will cease to have meaning!"

_Big_ Mikeru took a hesitant step towards her younger self. "Mikeru, I know what you have been through. _I_ suffered at the hands of that insufferable cunt too. But I survived. I endured knowing that by enduring I could get the last laugh on the bitch…"

Mikeru turned to face her older self, swinging the weapon around to point at her… _self?_

"Shut the fuck up! You've been pulling my strings for this year, you haven't been here! Bunny ears! Bunny ears, damn you!" Mikeru screamed.

_bamf!_

Yet _another, older_ Mikeru appeared. This one was dressed in iridescent iridium lamé but otherwise the essentials were the same, again the helmet matched the cloth. No gunbelt, 'tho. This Mikeru was obviously older than the other two, her auburn hair liberally streaked with grey, some frown lines evident about her mouth, maybe a skosh heavier than _big_ Mikeru but she wore the weight well with a certain regality only women can attain but few women ever match. "Alright you two, that's enough of this bullshit" this newer, er… older, er… _iridium lamé_ Mikeru said.

Haruhi managed "Uhhh… hello?"

"Shut up, bitch" all three Mikeru said, in three part harmony. A very nice blend of soprano, contralto and sopranino.

Koizumi made a small sound like 'urk', followed by a noisy flatulence and the drip of fluid from the chair.

"Ewww…" Kyon and Tsuruya intoned, rolling away from the esper in his seat. Frantic sounds of, well, activity, continued.

"Huh?" Haruhi got out. Iridium lamé Mikeru glowered at the girl. "Quiet dear, grownups are talking" she said.

Silver lamé Mikeru: "I mean it, I'm going to kill the bitch. So what if the universe ceases to be… at least _she_ won't be in it!"

Gold lamé Mikeru: "Neither will we, you brainless twit! Oh, why did we have to turn down your intellect when we sent you here? Or, even better, why didn't we turn your intellect down even lower?"

Iridium lamé Mikeru sighed: "We had that conversation over and over. Any smarter and she wouldn't have been able to tolerate that little shit Suzumiya; any dumber and she would have been useless as an aide and observer. Hell, we barely get coherent reports out of the stupid twat as it is."

Gold lamé Mikeru: "Hey, I resemble that remark."

Silver lamé Mikeru just glowered at her superior? Succedent self? The old bitch with the wrinkles… yah, that'll do.

Iridium lamé Mikeru snorted: "Don't get your knickers in a knot. She was me, too. But the point stands. At present she is an airhead and it is _this_ airhead that is precipitating a crisis."

Silver lamé Mikeru: "Yes! I'm important and I'm in control of this situation! Now, I'm killing the evil bitch!" Silver lamé Mikeru made to swing her weapon back to target Haruhi.

Gold lamé Mikeru: "Think! Mikeru! If you kill the bitch you'll never get that threesome with her and Kyon!"

From under the table: "Huh?" as the wet sounds slowed a bit. From Tsuruya: "Sshhh… back to business, boy."

Silver lamé Mikeru: "Don't. Care. Must. Kill. Bitch!" Wet sounds intensify from beneath table. Koizumi had ceased… well everything, even dripping.

Iridium lamé Mikeru: "Oh enough of this" as she stepped towards her younger, err, youngest counterpart. "Give me that blaster, you young twit. This has gone on long enough." She made to grab for the weapon.

Silver lamé Mikeru: "NO! I mean it!" and stepped away from her older, err, oldest self. And promptly slipped in the effluvia from Koizumi. As she fell backwards the weapon discharged. Silver lamé Mikeru landed on her ass with a _thump!_ and an "Ow!"

"Oh" from Haruhi as she glanced down at the dinner-plate sized hole in her torso, a hole that extended through her back, taking a bite out of the seat-back of the chair behind her, as well as leaving a circular hole in the window even further behind her. "Oh", she repeated softly and slumped into the seat.

Iridium lamé Mikeru: "Eep!"

Gold lamé Mikeru: "Eep!"

Silver lamé Mikuru regained her feet, surveyed her handiwork – and pumped her fist. "Yessss!"

Koizumi had ceased long ago.

The wet sounds accompanied by some grunts came to a crescendo beneath the table… then stopped with a sigh.

And then… well, it's kind of hard to describe. Everything started to fade to a glittering dust, slowly losing resolution and definition, becoming nothing, or better yet, un-becoming anything.

From under the table: "Heh. At least I won't die a virgin." Tsuruya sighed. "No, Kyon," she said, as she un-became with the boy, "I'm pretty sure you're still a virgin."

And the universe ends with a slight _bamf!_

…

…

…

UNIVERSE SIMULATION UNSUCCESSFUL.

RESET, RETRY, ABORT?

The data interface that had been Yuki Nagoto would have sighed had she lungs – or air – as she pondered the above query. "Well, that was a waste of time and resources" she thought into the dataverse as she chose 'ABORT'.

"I wonder if I can boot up _Doom_?"


End file.
